Perform This Way
----------------
(Parody of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way")
My mama told me when I was hatched
Act like a superstar
Save your allowance, buy a bubble dress
And someday you will go far
Now on red carpets, well, I'm hard to miss
The press follows everywhere I go
I'll poke your eye out with a dress like this
Back off and enjoy the show!
I'm sure my critics will say it's a grotesque display
Well, they can bite me, baby -- I perform this way
I might be wearin' Swiss cheese or maybe covered with bees
It doesn't mean I'm crazy -- I perform this way
Ooo, my little monsters pay... lots 'cause I perform this way
Baby, I perform this way
Ooo, don't worry, I'm okay... hey, I just perform this way
I'm not crazy, I perform this way
I'll be a troll or evil queen
I'll be a human jelly bean
'Cause every day is Halloween
For me...
I'm so completely original
My new look is all the rage
I'll wrap my small intestines 'round my neck
And set fire to myself on stage
I'll wear a porcupine on my head
On a W-H-I-M
And for no reason now I'll sing in French
Excusez-moi, Qui a p (Who cut the cheese?)
Got my straight jacket today, it's made of gold lam
o, not because I'm crazy - I perform this way
I strap prime rib to my feet, cover myself with raw meat
I'll bet you've never seen a skirt steak worn this way
Don't be offended when you see
My latest pop monstrosity
I'm strange, weird, shocking, odd, bizarre
I'm Frankenstein, I'm Avatar
There's nothing too embarrassing
I'll honestly do anything
But wear white after Labor Day
'Cause baby, I perform this way
Hope you won't think it's clichif I go nude today
Don't call the cops now, baby, I perform this way
No reason I should regret all the attention I get
I'm not completely crazy, I perform this way, yeah
I perform this way-hey, I perform this way-hey
I'm always deviating from the norm this way-hey
I perform this way-hey, I perform this way-hey
I'm really not insane -- I just perform this way-hey
CNR
---
Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man
The kind of man you'd never disrespect
He stood 8 foot tall, wore glasses
And he had a third nipple on the back of his neck
He ate his own weight in coal
And excreted diamonds every day
He could throw you down a flight of stairs
But you still would love him anyway
Yeah, you know you'd love him anyway
Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France
With two flat tires and a missin' chain
He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry
I'm tellin' you the man was insane
He could rip out your beatin' heart
And show it to you right before you died
Every day he'd make the host of Match Game
Give him a piggyback ride
Yeah, a two-hour piggyback ride
Giddyup, Gene!
Ninja warrior, master of disguise
He could melt your brain with his laser beam eyes
Oh yeah
Oh yeah
He had his very own line at the DMV
He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee
Oh yeah
Oh yeah, that was somethin' to see, I tell ya
Charles Nelson Reilly sold his toenail clippings as a potent aphrodisiac
He ran a four minute mile blindfolded with an engine block strapped to his back
He could eat more frozen waffles than any other man I know
Once he fell off the Chrysler building and he barely even stubbed his toe
Had a tiny little scratch on his toe
Didn't even hurt
Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion
But he never ever told a soul
I've seen the man unhinge his jaw
And swallow a Volkswagen whole
He'd bash your face in with a shovel
If you didn't treat him like a star
'Cause you can spit in the wind or tug on Superman's cape
But Lord knows you just don't mess around with CNR
No no no
Talkin' bout CNR
Ohh
TMZ
---
(Parody of Taylor Swift's "You Belong To Me")
You're sort of famous,
A minor celebrity,
And so it only makes sense
The world would be
Obsessed with every single thing
You do
They're running 'round
With their camcorders in the night,
They're lurking patiently and
Hopin' that they just might
See something real embarrassing
You do
The bad hair day and sweat-stained T-shirt,
That's the story that they're gonna feature
With exclusive pics of your flabby behind,
You think you're all alone
But that's right when you'll find...
A bunch of paparazzi poppin' outta nowhere,
Cameras in your face
And then suddenly-y-yy
You're TMZ-e-ee
You're on TMZ
Following you when
You're walking down the street
And askin' stupid questions
While you're tryin' to eat
So you cover your face thinking to yourself:
"Hey, isn't this creepy?"
And they're out there praying
You'll have a big meltdown
And take 'em on a little
Car chase through this whole town
They'll be there with you when you're going to jail,
First on the scene for every wardrobe fail
You just picked up some transvestite,
Seconds later, it's up on the website
Get a Vegas wedding, a quickie divorce,
And they'll be sneaking in, snappin' pictures of course
And if they ever catch you pickin' your nose or
Stumblin' down the street on a drunken spree-e-ee
You're on TMZ-ee
Stalkin' you, just waiting by your front door
Trailin' you through airport security-y-yy,
They're with TMZ
They're with TMZ
(Spoken)
"We caught this Oscar nominee...picking up dog poo!"
"Is that a baby bump?"
"I pronounce her guilty...of leaving the house while fat!"
"Look who's drinking coffee!!"
"Everything celebrities do is fascinating!"
Oh, lemme tell ya it's
Gettin' to the point where
A famous person can't
Even get a DUI,
or go on a racist rant
Those guys are all around
So you really shouldn't dare
Goin' to every club in town
If you've lost your underwear...
Seems that every single time a star decides to
Shave their head or ram their car into a tree-e-ee,
They're on TMZ-e-ee
If they catch you peein' in the bushes,
Later on that night, well I guarantee-e-ee
You're on TMZ-e-ee
You're on TMZ
You're on TMZ
Every single celebrity-y-yy,
Knows they're gonna be-e-ee
They're on TMZ
Skipper Dan
-----------
I starred in every high school play
Blew every drama teacher away
I graduated first in my class at Juilliard
Took every acting workshop I could
And I dreamed of Hollywood
While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard
Hit the boards and paid my dues
And got phenomenal rave reviews
I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt
I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone
Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone
But the years have come and gone
And I'm sorry to say that's not the way that it's all worked out
I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears
Just like they've done for the last 50 years
Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside
'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
Oh, the critics, they used to say
I was the new Olivier
Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes
Aw, but don't bother tryin' to IMDb me
The only place you might possibly see me
Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland
It ain't exactly what I planned
But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
I would've killed if I'd been in "Speed The Plow"
But what's the difference, that's all behind me now
'Cause I'm payin' the rent and I'm swallowin' my pride
And I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
I should be there on Broadway
Knockin' 'em dead in "12 Angry Men"
But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes
Again and again and again and again and again and again and again
Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet!
That's an African bull elephant...
And there it is, the backside of water!
What have I done with my life?!
I shoulda listened when my grandfather said
"Why don't you major in business instead?"
Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died
And I'll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears
Somebody shoot me 'cause I'm bored to tears
Always said I'd be famous... I guess that I lied
'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
I'm still workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride Craigslist
----------
(sung in the style of The Doors)
Whoa, yeah!
You've got a 65 Chevy Malibu
With automatic drive, a custom paint job too
I'll trade you for my old wheelbarrow
And a slightly-used sombrero
And I'll even throw in a stapler, if you insist
Craigslist
I'm on Craigslist, baby, come on
Yeah
Well, we shared a quick glance Saturday at the mall
I never took a chance, never approached you at all
You were a blonde half-Asian with a bad case of gas
I was wearin' red Speedos and a hockey mask
Come on, let's find that love connection that we missed
On Craigslist
Yeah, Craigslist, come on
I'm on Craigslist, baby
Maybe you are too
Bee bomp a chonk a donk bim bang boo
An open letter to the snotty barista
At the Coffee Bean on San Vicente Boulevard:
I know there were 20 people behind me in line
But I was on a cell phone call with my mother
Didn't you see me hold up my index finger?
That means I'll order my soy decaf hazelnut latte in just a couple minutes
So what's with the attitude, lady?
No tip for you
Got a trash can of Styrofoam peanuts, you can have em for free
You can drop by on the weekend and pick em up from me
But the trash can ain't part of the deal
Only givin' you the peanuts, get real
Don't have no Hefty bags, so bring your own
Don't bug me with questions on the phone
Don't ask for help, don't waste my time
And don't complain, cause they won't cost you a dime
Just ask yourself
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have my Styrofoam peanuts
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have 'em all
They're on Craigslist, yeah
Craigslist, oh baby, come on
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist now
Craigslist
Party In The CIA
----------------
(Parody of Miley Cyrus's "Party In The USA")
I moved out to Langley recently
with a plain and simple dream
want to infiltrate some third world place
and topple their regime
those men in black with their matching suitcases
where everything's on a need to know basis
agents got that swagger
everyone's so cloak and dagger
I'm feeling nervous but I'm really kinda wishing
for an undercover mission
that's when the red alert came on the radio
and I put my ear piece on
got my dark sunglasses on
and I had my weapon drawn
so I got my handcuffs
my cyanide pills
my classified dossier
tapping the phones like yeah
shredding the files like yeah
I memorized all the enemy spies I gotta neutralize today
yeah it's a party in the CIA
I've done a couple of crazy things that have almost got me dismissed
like terminate some head of state that wasn't even on my list
burn that microfilm, buddy, will you?
I'd tell you why but then I'd have to kill you
you need a quickie confession?
will start a water boarding session
no hurry on that South American dictator
I'll assassinate him later
that's when he walked in my laser sights
and my silencer was on
and my silencer was on
and another target's gone
yeah we got our black ops all over the world
from Kazakhstan to Bombay
paying the bribes like yeah
plugging the leaks like yeah
interrogating the scum of the earth
we'll break 'em by the break of day
yeah it's a party in the CIA
yeah it's a party in the CIA
need a country to stabilize
look no further we're your guys
we've got snazzy suits and ties
and a better dental plan than the FBI's
better put your hands up and get in the van
we're also getting blown away
staging a coup like yeah
brainwashing moles like yeah
we only torture the folks we don't like
you're probably gonna be OK
yeah it's a party in the CIA
yeah it's a party in the CIA
Ringtone
--------
Once, not very long ago, I was respected, I was popular (popular, ooh)
But now I hang my head in shame (ahh, ooh)
My life is filled with such regret
A bad mistake I can't forget
And now I'll never be the same
Ringtone
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone?
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (What was I thinking?)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call
Well, everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone
When my phone goes off at work
I look like the biggest jerk
Total strangers wanna slap me around
When it's ringin' on the terrace
My neighbors get embarrassed
They're beggin' me to move outta town
Well, it made my wife so sick
She smashed my iPhone with a brick
But I had it fixed, and now it's just fine
It's a pain, I sure don't need it
And I probably should delete it
But for me that would be crossin' the line
'Cause I hate to waste a buck ninety nine
Hey, I paid good money for this...
Ringtone
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone?
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (Really, what was I thinking?)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call
Well, everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone
Ringtone
Ringtone
Ahh, ooh
Chinese factory workers (they hate my ringtone)
Muslim women in burqas (really hate my ringtone)
Starvin' kids in Angola (they hate my ringtone)
Even folks with Ebola (just hate my ringtone)
All the nuns and nannies (all the welfare mothers)
All the Pakistanis (all the Wayans brothers)
Everyone on the land, everyone on the sea
Every single person everywhere unanimously
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the whole wide world really hates my
Ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone...
Another Tattoo
--------------
(Parody of B.o.B's "Nothin' on You")
Beautiful tats
All over my back
Makes me so proud, I'm gonna shout it out loud
I got another tattoo, baby
(Yeah)
Another tattoo, baby
('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe)
('No, 'nother tattoo)
(Ha!)
No part of me's blank, I'm really ink-obsessed
It's like an art show the moment that I get undressed
(Check it!)
At every job interview, they're just so impressed
(Really?)
'Cause I got all my ex-wives on my chest
(Ha, ha!)
Over here is Clay Aiken, here's a side of bacon,
(Huh!)
And a Minotaur pillow fightin' with Satan,
(Yes!)
Next to Hello Kitty and a zombie ice skatin'
(Yah!)
Wait... it's Ronald Reagan!
I've got these dragons,
(Yo!)
Got these dolphins
(Yo!)
All inscribed on me indelibly
(Indelibly!)
I've had bad reactions,
(Yeah!)
Bad infections,
(Yeah!)
Even Hepatitis C.
('Titis C)
My friends think that I need therapy
(Therapy)
Need some laser surgery
(Surgery)
For the flaming goat skull on my knee
(Knee)
Knee
(Knee)
Knee
(Hey!)
Beautiful tats
(Yeah!)
All over my back
(All over!)
And I've got some space here
On the side of my face here
(Ha, ha!)
For another tattoo, baby
('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe)
('No, 'nother tattoo)
Another tattoo, baby
('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe)
('No, 'nother tattoo)
No, I'm not high
(High)
I'm really okay
(Okay!)
I just love these scribbles
(Ha, ha!)
That won't go away
(Yes)
I've got another tattoo, baby
('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe)
('No, 'nother tattoo)
Another tattoo, baby
('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe)
('No, 'nother tattoo)
Yeah
Yes, there were a few I got from losin' a bet.
I misspelled a word or two, still there's nothin' I regret.
My shoppin' trips are no sweat, there's never stuff I forget.
Check out this rad Boba Fett, he's playin' clarinet!
Beautiful tats
(Yeah!)
All over my back
(All over!)
And what the heck,
(Ha, ha!)
There's still some room on my neck
(What?)
I'll get another tattoo, baby
('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe)
('No, 'nother tattoo)
Another tattoo, baby
('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe)
('No, 'nother tattoo)
I don't know why,
(Why)
But every day,
(Day)
Whenever folks see me they just back away
(Woo!)
I've got another tattoo, baby
('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe)
('No, 'nother tattoo)
Another tattoo, baby
('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe)
('No, 'nother tattoo)
Yeah
[Tattoo gun noises]
Yow!
Okay, right there by my elbow.
You see? Yeah. I've got a couple square inches left.
Uh... maybe a squid, or a tarantula, or somethin'...
I don't know. Surprise me.
Ow! Mother f....If That Isn't Love
------------------
ooh yeah
oh
i'm your shelter from the storm
you'll know I'll always have your back
I'll even let you warm your freezing hands inside my butt crack
I never get out my leaf blower when Oprah is on
and when you're telling me about your feelings I try not to yawn
and when we're at parties I don't talk about your spastic bladder
when you're cleaning the gutters on the roof I hold the ladder
and if that isn't love
if that isn't love
if that isn't love
i don't know what love is
nanananananana nanananano i guess i don't know
nanananananana
ahhhh listen now
there's a microscopic bit of milk left in the refrigerator
i coulda finished it off but i quit in case you want a tiny little sip for
later
and if you cut the cheese then maybe i'll wink and say the dog's to blame
and i'll make sure to call you baby everytime i forget your name
i'll even tell you girl when you start looking fat
'cuz all your so-called friends will probably neglect to mention that
and if that isn't love
if that isn't love
if that isn't love
i don't know what love is
nanananananana nananana well then I don't know
nananannananna
oh no
even though you make me sit through Mamma Mia!
well I still adore you
i'll kiss you even if you have omelettes for breakfast
and i can't stand omelettes
after I take a bath
if its still warm i'll leave the water in there for you
i'll give you my word
you're so beautiful you make a glorious sunset look like a big fat turd
everytime I see you trying to lift some really heavy thing
you can always count on me to help by saying something encouraging
if you get drunk and pass out i'll never sharpie up your face
and I don't wipe my nose on your couch even though that's a super convenient
place
i totally support every idiotic thing you do
and i almost never pretend you're someone else when i'm making out with you
and if that isn't love
if that isn't love
if that isn't love
i don't know what love is
nanananananana no i don't know what love is
nanananananana well I don't know what love is
I don't know what love is
Whatever You Like
-----------------
(Parody of T.I.'s "Whatever You Like")
Hey girl, you know our economy is in the toilet
But I'm still gonna treat you right
I said you can have whatever you like
I said you can have whatever you like
Yeah yeah
Tater tots, Cold Duck on ice
And we can clip coupons all night
And you can have whatever you like
I said you can have whatever you like
Take you out for dinner anywhere that you please
Like Burger King or Mickey D's
And baby you can have whatever you like
I said you can even have the large fries
Yeah yeah
Baby you should know I'm really quite a sweet guy
When I buy you bathroom tissue
I always get the two-ply
Whatever you can get it my dear
I got my CostCo membership card right here
Yeah you like Top Ramen, need Top Ramen
Got a cupboard full of them
I'll keep'em coming
You want it, I got it
Go get it, just heat it
Dump the flavor packet on it and eat it
Pork and beans and Minute Rice
And we can play cribbage all night
And baby you can have whatever you like
I said baby you can have whatever you like
Yeah yeah
I can take you to the laundromat downtown
And watch all the clothes go round and round
And baby we can go wherever you like
I said we can go wherever you like
Yeah yeah
Hottest shortie I know
If you had some lipo
You could be second runner-up Miss Ohio
Seven dollar-bills rolled
Inside my plastic billfold
Buy you a bagel even if it isn't day-old
And you never ever gonna wear your sister's old clothes
As long as I'm still assistant manager at Kinkos
Cut your hair with scissors and a soup bowl
You ain't got to to pay me
That's the way that I roll
My chick can have what she want
At Walmart she can pick out anything she want
I know though you ain't never had a man like that
Who doesn't make you buy generic brand like that
Yeah
You like my Hyundai, see my Hyundai?
I can take you to see your cousin Phil next Sunday
But that's kinda far, and I'm not made out of cash
Do you think you could chip in for gas?
Mac and cheese would be all right
But let's send out for pizza tonight
And you can order any toppings you like
I said you can even have the last slice
Yeah
Grabbed myself a cable from my neighbor next door
Now I can get free HBO
And baby you can watch whatever you like
I said you can watch whatever you like
Yeah
And you can always ride the city bus
Got a stack of tokens just for us
Yo my wallet's fat and full of ones
Yeah it's all about the Washingtons that's right
You want White Castle, need White Castle
As long as you got me it won't be no hassle
You want it, we'll get it, just don't be a hater
If I grab a bunch of napkins for later
Thrift store jeans on sale half-price
The underwear at Goodwill is nice
And baby you can have whatever you like
I said you can have whatever you like
Yeah yeah
Baby I can give you anything you please
Even share my government cheese
And baby you can have as much as you like
I said you can have as much as you like
Yeah
Yeah
Stop Forwarding That Crap To Me
-------------------------------
Oh the sand keeps falling through the hourglass
and there's no way you're going to slow it down
you say we gotta treasure each moment
who knows how long we're gonna be around
yeah you keep on telling me life is short
and its hard to disagree with what you say
but if time is so precious why ya wasting mine
cuz I'm always reading
always deleting
every useless piece of garbage that you send my way
every stupid hoax
all those corny jokes
stop forwarding that crap to me
well I don't need tons of cringe inducing puns
stop forwarding that crap to me
no it isn't ok if you brighten my day
with some cut and pasted hackneyed Hallmark poetry
and I didn't request a personality test
stop forwarding that crap to me
Ahhhh
you're sending virus latent you're sending virus-laden bandwidth-hogging
attachments to every single person you know
you're passing around a link to some dumb thing on YouTube
that everybody else already saw three years ago
and wacky badly Photoshopped billboard were never that amusing to me
and I just can't believe you believe those urban legends
but I have high hopes that someone will point you toward Snopes
and debunk that crazy junk you're spewing constantly
No I don't want a bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul
stop forwarding that crap to me
send more top 10 lists and I'll slash my wrists
please stop forwarding that crap to me
well I'm sorry i can't accept your paranoid rant
and I don't want the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe
won't you kindly refrain cuz its hurting my brain
stop forwarding that crap to me...
Like glittery hearts and unicorns and pictures of somebody's cat
now tell me in what alternate reality will I care about something like that?
and by the way your quotes from George Carlin aren't really George Carlin
Mr. Rogers never fought the Viet Cong
and Bill Gates is never gonna give me something for nothing
and I really doubt some dead girl is gonna kill me if I don't pass her
letter along
Well now I know you're wishing
I'll sign your petition
but stop forwarding that crap to me
and I don't want to read your series
of conspiracy theories
just stop forwarding that crap to me
and your two million loser friends
all have my address because you never figured out the way to BCC
but now I gotta insist
take me off of your list
stop forwarding that crap to me
(stop forwarding that crap to me
stop forwarding that crap to me
stop forwarding that crap to me
stop forwarding that crap to me)
just stop it now
oh no
(stop forwarding that crap to me) [repeats]
i can't take it
aw please
you gotta stop
right now
I'm not kidding
at the risk of being slightly repetitious gonna ask you now to stop
sending me that crap
I don't want it
don't send it to me
now don't send it to me
just stop forwarding that crap to me
stop forwarding that crap to me
to me
